A Promise To My Children
in memory of Leia


Life! So much can be put into that four letter word. But then again, do we do it? It seems like we take so much away from it. How many of us wish our lives away? Or how many of us have a life full of regrets? Is it so hard to just be happy and enjoy today? Is the pain in our hearts really so much that it takes away what should be happiness?

And bitterness, how it fills the soul with a kind of death. It can turn a beautiful heart into a cold stone. Bitterness, it can take the most wonderful person and turn them into the most cold, lonely individual. I wonder how many of us are only living to die? Just going through the motions of day to day routines. Not taking the time to appreciate what we have. There is no promise of the next second, it can all be wiped out that fast!

Life gives us so much but we all are guilty of taking it for granted and throwing it away. In the morning, when I wake up from another restless night of barely any sleep, I am so tired. I don’t wake up happy like I once did. It’s hard to find that peace that I once had. It’s so hard to find the joy that I once had. I find myself feeling more and more anger these days.

Angry at myself, at the world, at everyone and anyone. Yelling at the kids to hurry up and get dressed, hurry up and brush your teeth, wash your face, hurry, hurry and hurry some more. On the way to school, I am asking them, "Did you brush your teeth, hair and wash your face?" and they give me this look of ‘I am in trouble now’, then proceed to say "I forgot". At that moment, the anger really floods my body and I wonder and say aloud "I told you to do it!" as I frown at them. The last thing I say to them as they are getting out of the car and looking back at me is "I love you, have a great day"! I drive off and see them in the rear view mirror, still looking back at me.

Something is wrong with this picture, don’t you think? I didn’t realize how much was wrong until a couple of days ago! This was a lesson I wished I didn’t need to learn! I love my children with all of my soul, but I haven’t really showed them like I should have. I am on a quest now to be a better person and Mom. Not perfect, no one can be that! But just better!

This past Sunday night, something tragic happened and I realized just how wrong I have been. And let me tell you, being a Mom, it’s not always easy to say "I’m wrong", because we are not suppose to be wrong. But I, yes I am admitting it, have been taking life and everything in it for granted. I have been one whose been taking away the happiness in my own life and the happiness of my children, not anyone else. Just me! The tragic, that I mentioned above, isn’t the only thing that brought me to this new revelation, a number of different things has brought me here. Writing this hopefully will help to heal my broken heart! And maybe sharing this with you will help someone else before you have to endure this kind of pain.

Today, a very sweet family is burying their most precious gift. Their daughter. Only 17 years old. She was killed in an automobile accident right below my house just three night ago. A beautiful, young girl, so popular in school, earned her wings Sunday night! We heard the sirens as they rushed by but had no idea until the next day what happened. What a tragic! This minute, as I write, the pain in my heart as the tears fall down my face, hurts so much. And even though, I can say to her Mom and Dad, ‘I am so sorry’, I honestly do not know how deep their pain must really be right now, I can‘t even begin to comprehend losing a child. And I hope and pray, I never learn!

She turned onto the country road I live on, passed our house, went around the curve and that was it. That fast, she was gone! She was on her way home! But she didn’t make it there. She is safe in the arms of God right now, while we are left behind to mourn her death.

For several days, at the bridge, where she tragically lost her life, the TV News Crews are there filming, flowers, cards, handwritten posters that say, "We Miss & Love You" are tenderly placed on the ground and her friends standing and some sitting on the bridge, looking onward as if they are patiently waiting for some reason of why and how this could happen, some hugging and ALL crying. As we drove by, there was a silence and yet the sound of Angels singing. Heaven opened it’s door that cold, rainy night to take home another sweet, young angel!

We never know what’s around that curve on a road or in our lives. This morning, as I went into my children’s room, I softly kissed them and whispered "Good morning" and woke them with a smile. I helped them get ready, instead of yelling a list of things for them to do. I took an extra few moments at the drop off in front of the school to hug them extra hard before they got out of the car and told them how very proud I am of them! As I looked in the rear view mirror, I seen them smile and wave and I said a little prayer thanking God for another day with my children! Another day of a great gift - Life! Another chance to change! And the rushing, anger and bitterness that I usually experience, was replaced with a peace in my heart and joyful morning!

Driving back home, feeling good that we began our day with a smile, thoughts of what my dear sister-in-motherhood is facing came to mind, sadness fills my heart as I think about her daughters funeral today. And how there is one more Mom in this world that won’t have what I shared with my children this morning! I feel a wave of guilt knowing that I am so lucky to have this chance, to have my children in my life and all the hard times and the good times! To be able to feel their little arms wrap around my neck and to hear their voices telling me "I love you Mom!" My friend will never hear or feel that again from her daughter. I hope that one day, she will be able to find that peace in herself knowing that she was a good Mom and the memories of the love they shared! And that is what day to day life should be! Making memories of a love that will last when we are gone!

When that moment of anger floods through the love, as it happens to all of us, think of my friend who would give anything to have her daughter, just for one more day or one more hour! This is now my new promise to my children, to myself, to make a point each and every day from now on, to let my daughters know with out a doubt, just how much I love them and how proud of them I am! Just in case that curve ahead is the last one!

Sarah Owen

Copyright © 2002 Sarah Owen - Sarah's Creative Works